One of my favorite short stories of all time is “Our Friend Electricity” by Ron Wolfe. The final sentences go like this:
I have a talent. A super secret psychic talent. You tell me the name of the last one you cared about even a little. I’ll tell you how much that meant to you.
It broke your heart.
They all break you heart.
I think many people struggle with being unable to fully open themselves up in new friendships. They find it difficult to be vulnerable. It seems to me that women are more able to open up and share deeply over and over again, and men find this more difficult. It can be that some guys just aren’t into that kind of thing. Other people, men and women included, are just hurt. Friendship after friendship diminishes, and often there is no hint at where things changed. A new friendship. Excitement. Connection. Frequent visits, outings together, laughing. Things get serious. They begin to share more of themselves; the parts of themselves that most don’t know. They open themselves up, like a book with no cover, and allow others to see them for who they really are. Vulnerable. Their dreams, their failures, their fears. Then something changes. The friend stops calling. They see each other less and less. It becomes one-sided. One person is always the one to call, to check up on, to want to see the other. This one still cares, cares about their friend’s life, what they are going through, the struggles they are having, and wants to share and be part of it. This one still wants to have that place in their friend’s life where they feel wanted and needed. This one’s life still goes on, new struggles are faced, new difficulties are worked out, and they feel cheated. Cheated because they invested so much of their soul in someone else who is no longer there. There are two sides to a friendship. There is giving, and there is taking. Building a friendship is an investment and commitment in both. They commit to be there for each other, to help each other. They also begin to expect this from the other person. When new things come up that are important, wonderful, terrifying, difficult, this friend is the one who should be called. They are the one who should be there, to rejoice, to cry, to help. But they’re not there. And a friend is left wondering what went wrong. What did they do? What did they say? Was it all an act all along? If something is wrong, why won’t they tell me?
Maybe some of you can relate to this. How have you dealt with it? Have you gone on to be able to trust someone else the same as you had in the past? One question seems to always come to mind.
Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
But does this really solve the problem for any who deal with this? There might not be anything specific to forgive. Even if so, is there a difference between forgiveness and trust? Can these who have been hurt by friends forgive the friends, and still struggle with being able to open up again to someone else? I think so. Some have read 1 Samuel 20 and thought of a friend that meant as much to them as Jonathan meant to David. For many, something in their friendship went wrong. There may be unanswered questions. Even if life moves one, and forgiveness is granted; even if new friendships are made, what then? What if this person finds they are unable to open up emotionally to the extent that they had in the past? It seems that forgiveness is one thing, but there are many who have forgiven and yet struggle to find meaningful friendships in their life.
Sorry, I have no solution or great ending for this one. It’s just something I observed today.
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